(no subject)

[kasche]

Well. I can't bring myself to do anything else than copying down something I wrote some (two) days ago. I meant it to be the beginning of the The Attack Of The Rabid Plotbunny, but it ended up being too different from it. Sirius' pov.
As usual, I don't like it, and this is exactly why I am posting it.

*

Oh, God. It's easy to be blunt when you're not on the bet. When you're not losing anything, apart eventually from the friendship of someone you know you could do without. But when your feelings are at stake, you're not so brave anymore, are you? How does it feel when someone else is on lead?

But please, please let him show any-- any hint he could like me back, please, let him be the honest one if he does like me back, and even if he doesn't, because I know I will end up doing the wrong thing, and I'll lose anything, and I care too much to let-

God, he's here. And now? And now?

"Oi, Padfoot. You studying..? Got a flu?"

I hate him. Oh yes, I hate him. How can he not see anything?

"Yes, and you're a girl. Come on, you know better than that.."

And I feel my grin falling in place by- by default, I think, and I hate this as much, because if I'm feeling down I want to look as if I feel down, and not act normal, as if nothing bothers me, as if there's nothing that can bother me-

"What are you reading, then? Is this what you're doing, right?"

But I like that half-smile of his. The way only the right corner of the lips goes up.

"Well, yes, I am able to read, you know." The half laugh I give in reply sounds a bit less bitter than in my head.

"Shoot."

"What?"

"Something is nagging at you. What is it?"

I feel suddenly bared. I didn't want him to realize anything. I still don't.

"Oh, yes, my heart is so bleeding, because-"

"Ow, stop it, give me some credit."

This is what is wrong with falling for one of your best friends. They see through you no matter what, and even if you don't want them to.
But it is heartening to see him being bothered by my openly melodramatic reply, he cares for me after all. But I don't know just how much, and it's driving me mad.
I look at him. He looks back. I don't know what he feels. What he sees. But he's always so measured, and I wonder what would happen to the look on his face if I were to be blunt, this time.
But then, what the hell?
My idiocy saved my neck more than once.
Well.
I am a fairly good actor.
I know that; he knows that.
If things take a turn too bad to be handled, I will act as if I was joking from the start.
And he will believe it.
He had before, so he will now.

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like, if you.. don't know, if you felt something for another guy?" Carefree look in place. I'd believe it myself. He looks at me again, in a way too sharp to be comfortable.

"Who is he?"

"Moony Moony, it's not polite to answer a question with another question."

"Don't play 'polite' on me, Sirius."

Uh-oh, my full name.

"Would it be so bad if I had a thing for you?"

There! I so knew it! If he's not astonished right now, I don't know IF he will ever be! But-but-well. Time to turn the tables. Ha had started laughing.

"Oh, God, Padfoot-- I almost believed you! It's- it was-"

Oh, I am so going to kill him.

"Remus! REMUS! STOP it! Stop laughing! I'm-"

Bad puns wouldn't do. And my voice has an almost desperate edge in it I'm not liking in the slightest.
But it hits the point, Remus' laughter subsides. And he looks insecure. Why? Why, Moony?

"I- come on, it can't be, you-"

His incredulity is cristal clear, even he doesn't believe his own words. What should I make of it? What should I presume?

And how can I pull out of this disaster?

*

My brain is away at the moment, so if you want to leave a message, wait for the sound signal.

*beeep*